I AM DA NIGHT
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: Batman is sad because he thinks he sucks at being a superhero. Very stupid parody of the similarly titled episode.


**I AM DA NIGHT**

Deep in the batcave, Batman sat upon a throne of stone, sulking and sobbing. As he sobbed, Alfred arrived with a tray carrying food, a newspaper and a rectangular box. After putting down the tray on a flat rock, Alfred noticed his master's sobbing.

"What's wrong, Master Bruce?"

Looking up at his trusted butler, Batman sniffed. "Alfred, I don't think I'm a good superhero!" Then he burst into tears and wailed.

"Calm down, Master Bruce, here's your paper!" Batman picked up the newspaper taking deep breaths, but then he read that the Penguin had been acquitted. This made him cry harder, lie on his stomach and punch and kick the ground.

"WAH! ME WANT PENGUIN GO JAILY JAIL!"

"Now calm down, Master Bruce, you have business tonight!"

Later, Batman took the box Alfred had gave him and went to 'Crime Alley', the very place his parents had been shot all those years ago. Upon his request, Leslie Thompkins accompanied him, just so he'd have someone to talk to.

"Leslie, I think I'm a sucky superhero!"

"Ah, come on, no you're not!"

"Then why is there still crime? If I were a good superhero, crime would stop!"

"Oh, stop whining and get on with it!"

So Batman took out a rose from the box and placed it where his parents were shot. Then a guy came along, said "Hi, Batman" and accidently stepped on the rose. "Whoops!"

"Noooooooo!" cried Batman, making a funny face, "The memory of my parents has been tarnished forever!" This cruel mockery of his pain seemed to pierce his very soul and he began to cry again.

"Don't you have business elsewhere too?"

Batman remembered he was supposed to help Gordon and Bullock fight Meanie Man. "Oh yeah!" Then he left.

A group of cops, including Gordon and Bullock, stood outside Meanie Man's Fortress of Naughtiness, ready to arrest Meanie Man for pinching people. Suddenly, Meanie Man, a blue octopus-like creature with a bow tie, flew out of his fortress on a jetpack, shooting randomly.

"Ha, ha! Shooting people is mean indeed!"

Then, Batman swooped down from a tall building and destroyed Meanie Man's jetpack with his batarangs. After Meanie Man fell to the ground, Batman punched him unconscious.

"I feel better now," said Batman, but then he found Gordon had been shot, "Oh no!"

Bullock approached Gordon, lying on the ground hanging onto his life, and then turned to Batman in fury. "If you had come here sooner, Gordon'd be alright! Boy, for a superhero, you sure suck at superheroing!" Batman's eyes teared up and his mouth wobbled. "Aw geez." Then Batman cried his eyes out and ran back home as Gordon was taken to the hospital.

Later, Meanie Man was sent to jail for being so naughty.

"Boy, I sure want to kill Gordon," he said.

"Why?" asked another prisoner.

"Because it would upset his family and that would be mean!" Then he turned to a guard. "Hey, let me out!"

"No."

"Pretty please?" said Meanie Man with puppy dog eyes.

"Aw, I can't resist a face like that! Alright!" So Meanie Man was free and went off to finish the job.

Meanwhile, Dick Grayson was called to talk to Bruce Wayne and went over to Wayne Manor from college. As he entered the Batcave, he found himself knee-deep in water. He turned around and saw Batman crying, having caused the flood from his tears.

"What's the matter, Bruce?"

"Gordon got shot because I suck at being a superhero!"

"Meanie Man may finish the job, shouldn't you be looking after Gordon?"

"No, I'll just mess everything up!"

"So you're just going to lie in the Batcave and feel sorry for yourself?"

"Being Batman sucks anyway. I do no real good."

"Listen to you! Y'know why I agreed to be your sidekick? Because I thought you were a badass! But now I see you're just a wimp!"

"I'm not a wimp!"

"Ooh, I'm Batman, queen of the fairies," said Robin, putting on a spare Batman mask, "Gordon's in trouble, but I'd rather feel sorry for myself and cry!"

Batman stopped crying and began to scowl.

"Seriously, Batman," said Robin, taking off the mask, "If you're going to just whine and cry, I don't want to be your sidekick anymore! I want to be someone else's!"

"Like who's?" asked Batman.

"Oh, Rorschach!"

Rorschach from Watchmen suddenly appeared in the Batcave. "I wanna be Rorschach's sidekick now," said Robin, "He's a bigger badass than you'll ever be!"

Rorschach then pointed and laughed at Batman. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hurm."

This made Batman scream to the heavens and punch Rorschach with such force it sent the latter to the moon. Then he called upon the powers of badass to make himself grow fifty feet tall so he could get to the hospital much quicker. After rising from the depths of the batcave, he stomped through the city, surveying it as he travelled. He spotted a few crimes along the way, but put an end to each criminal with a blast of optic lasers.

Meanie Man crawled up the hospital walls, and snuck into Gordon's room, as the cop slumbered. Holding a gun in one tentacle, Meanie Man pointed it at Gordon's head to finish the job, but before he could do so, Batman's fist came out of the window and flattened him into a pancake. Still furious about Gordon's condition, Batman threw Meanie Man to the moon. After landing on the moon, Meanie Man saw Rorschach behind him and could feel tears welling up.

At Wayne Manor...

"Good to have the badass Batman back," said Robin.

"Good to be back. I wonder why I acted that way, anyway?"

"Maybe it has to do with that 'Sap Gas' Joker sprayed you with last week."

"Maybe. Well, I promise not to get all emotional ever again."

"Sir, said Alfred, "We're out of cookies."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

**The End**


End file.
